If You’re Very Shy, Stop Avoiding Social Situations

by Royane Real Are you a person who is very shy?  Do you sometimes feel so uncomfortable around other people that you go out of your way to avoid others? Avoiding other people in social situations is a technique that is frequently used by those who suffer from extreme shyness. Many shy people feel so anxious when they are around others, that they start going out of their way to avoid any social situations that might trigger an attack of their social anxiety. Even though extremely shy people may feel very lonely, shy people often turn down social invitations where they might have to talk to other people.  They turn down invitations to parties, turn down promotions at work, and they might cross the street just to avoid talking to someone they know, even when they like that person. This sort of behavior probably makes no sense to the person who is not extremely shy.  However, to a person who feels tremendous anxiety every time they are around others, avoiding people feels like the perfect solution to relieve their anxious feelings.  When a person suffers from intense shyness or social anxiety, being around other people can trigger very intense feelings of anxiety and panic.  For a shy person, being in a social situation can cause unpleasant physical sensations such as sweating, trembling, and hyperventilating.  These uncomfortable physical sensations may also be accompanied by intensely negative self criticism and feelings of acute shame and embarrassment. For some shy people, avoiding others may seem to be the best solution they can think of.  As soon as they rush away from a social situation they feel an intense inner sense of relief.  No longer do they need to worry as much about feeling embarassed by their social awkwardness.  No longer do they need to worry that everything they say sounds stupid, and they feel less worried about what others are thinking about them. Ironically, many people who are very rude or abrupt with others, who don't get involved in conversations, or who walk away quickly from social encounters, are perceived by others to be stuck up or conceited. The truth is that these people feel terribly uncomfortable in social situations.  By avoiding interacting with others, they try to hide their shyness and social discomfort. Although avoiding others is a very common technique used by many shy people, this social avoidance will actually make their problem worse.   Not only is their fear of being around other people likely to grow if they keep avoiding others, but people who are shy will feel even more lonely and less confident the longer they avoid social interactions. So, a shy person who may already be very lonely will become even lonelier.  He will lose out on opportunities to make new friends and to learn constructive ways of improving his social skills. Therapists who specialize in treating shyness often recommend the exact opposite approach.  Instead of allowing the shy person to continue to run away from social situations, the therapist will encourage the shy person to gradually have more exposure to the type of social situations they fear most, and to participate more fully and more frequently in social interactions.  Many therapists who deal with shyness will use a series of structured exercises to help the client get used to the situation they fear.  The therapist will help the client become more comfortable in the social situation, teach the shy person some basic social skills, and may also help the patient to learn new, more realistic ways of thinking about the situation. If you are an extremely shy person who has been avoiding social situations as a way to cope with your shyness, keep in mind that this avoidance will not make your shyness get better. Remember that the therapists who treat shyness don't recommend that shy people avoid others – they actually recommend that shy people start increasing their opportunities for social interaction. So if you have been hiding from others because you want to avoid your feelings of shyness, keep in mind that you have a better chance of overcoming your shyness and making more friends if you don't run from social situations.  Instead, make an effort to stay at social events longer, talk to more people more often, for a longer period of time, and give yourself a lot of credit for every social interaction you have. And if your type of shyness is very persistent and disabling, consider seeing a therapist who has a lot of experience in treating this problem successfully.